You know, if you do something and you'd like to do it well, and you start to practice and you work at it and sometimes you think, gosh, I think maybe this could be the thing; this could be IT and it's all going to come together and work out and I'll be one of those people who can explain in a gentle voice, "yes, this is how I did it," and people will gather and nod and strain to hear your soft explanation, because even though you normally talk really loud and you think that maybe your voice is very nasal and annoying, now that you've DONE it no one is going to mind your voice, they might actually think it's cute or endearing or something, now that they want you to tell them HOW, for god's sake, HOW did you finally do it and your beatific smile radiates your calm and collected being and the one person, the one person that you wanted to put your thumb to your nose and nah-nah in their face like a childish child, that one person is admiring you and wishing they could be you and the best part of it all is that you KNOW they are admiring you and wanting to be you and they, too, are there, leaned in close and waiting with bated breath and all that just to hear your wisdom and you've been thinking about this moment and dreaming about it and it's here, and all the self-doubt was for nought and you really thought you could do it, just like the little train, and here you are...
And then you read the new P.D. James and you have to slow down your voracious style of reading and savour each and every sentence because they are
And all the self doubt and mocking and worry and fear and WHATNOT and yes, maybe it is a touch nasal, I wonder if they have voice coaches in Regina and I wonder what a voice coach does and I wonder if I should have one of those round table discussions you have with a group of your closest friends where they tell you every single thing you need to improve upon and you realize if you did this you would likely kill yourself and your children would have no mother and a terribly fragile mother with skin like a butterfly's wing is better than no mother and so you'll just have to shove all those thoughts DOWN and realize that hey, Danielle Steele got published. And her stuff is crap.