Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Hit my stride

For me, life is two steps forward, one back. Sort of like Soph; a few staggering steps forward, and one hard fall.

I'm that person who always used to be fighting against something. Likely has lots to do with how I grew up; where I had to endure massive battles to do pretty much anything. I got used to it; if it was worth it, I had to be willing to go to battle.

Poor Jade. Not exactly the most endearing trait, is it? To have a wife whose automatic stance is aggression.

But, like old wine and good cheese, I mellow with age.

Yoga is helping, and so is the dedicated time to reading books on modern spirituality. Spirituality is a reoccurring issue for me; has been for years. I won't go back to what was (I've said I'll tell that story and I will, but it's not ready yet) but I don't know yet what will be. The clock is ticking though, because I define it within my realm of responsibility to impart some form of spirituality to my children and so far have depended on Nana for that.

For me, a constant awareness and attention to my inner self is important. That's a huge struggle for women, in general, I know. Even as I write those words, "attention to my inner self," I think, what on earth, where do I get off, I need to put the priority on everyone else but me. My second thought is and why the hell would the reader care, but then I remind myself that a click of the mouse can take away anyone bored and it's not my concern.

I don't have it figured out, I don't have anything all wrapped up. But what I do know makes me happy, and brings a certain amount of peace.

Every day, I get a little (tiny) bit closer to figuring it out. Being the person I want to be, the person I have the potential to be. A never ending struggle, I am guessing, a work in progress, a shape to be moulded. all that. But I am not so hard on myself when I fall, and that is the ticket.

Ahh...this is so vain, it feels, but still it needs to be distinguished, needs to be understood, and I need to be thoughtful and mindful and keep trying. It's kind of like a run (hey, don't get me wrong, I am well aware that I am not the first person to compare life to a marathon or some such colloquialism), a long, endurance run. And this is maybe like mile twelve; where it's nearly half way, and I can breathe and there is a rhythm, and there will be miles where it's awful, and miles where it is perfect, and even more where it is manageable, and somewhat enjoyable.

Let's just say that maybe, just maybe, I've hit my stride.


Jen said...

Good for you for working on this. It does seem like many women, myself included, feel guilty for adding themselves to their own list of priorities.

For me, I feel like I know the person I want to be, spiritually, emotionally, characteristically (is that a word?) but just have no idea how to get there, or rather, how to get the motivation to get there.

Good luck with your journey.

spinregina said...

I feel like I know sort of who I want to be; I can define a set of parameters, like good friend, wife, mother, and a grouping of values, and a list of goals, and a few outcomes, but it's like it's misty when I look at the path to get there. Maybe that's the point; maybe it's like headlights; we only see what we need to. I think the goals are the important thing...for us, and for our little wees!