Thursday, November 20, 2008

The dark side of the upside

There is a downside to every upside. It only makes sense, right, otherwise how would we ever know when we're up?

Right and wrong, black and white, happy and sad. It all goes around and it all comes back up...but to get there you have to come from somewhere.

The manuscript arrived yesterday, you know that. And some of you called and some of you posted and a few of you emailed...and you were all so happy. That was so nice. And I was so happy. But of course, lurking under the happiness, sort of festering there like I imagine little mice with sharp pointy teeth sit and chew on ropes (don't even ask me where that image came from, just note that it is quite well-developed when I see it and I won't bore you with more details other than to indicate that the mice are brown and their eyes somewhat reddish) is the self-doubt.

Here is where I can nearly hear your sighs, your oh, I knew this was coming, and the clicks of your own little mice clicking and closing and maneuvering how do I get off this page anyways?

It's so typical, boring, really, the angst of any writer or creative person. So expected. Can't I do anything different?

See, it's just this, exactly. What if the person who read it, the one who was paid, felt some sort of, well, obligation? I mean, she was getting paid. And she was once struggling, and unpublished, and felt all of this...

Cathartic, really, just to write all that. Because you know what I realized even as the words appeared on the screen?

I don't give a shit. I say that with a smile, so if it comes across as harsher than I intend it apologies all around. But I think it's all going to work out, at risk of sounding all la-de-da on you, I think it's all going to be just fine.

1 comment:

lotusloq said...

I think all writers have those same niggling little (or Big) feelings. That complete sense of inadequacy. It's funny. When I read something brilliant like Steinbeck or Dostoyevsky. I feel completely unworthy to consider myself an author, and it stops my writing cold. When I read something ordinary or bad I get inspired. I think, "Hey, I can do as well as or better than that. I'm not such a hack."