Monday, February 23, 2009

When I Rule the World


If I can't sleep there are two things I do. First I imagine I've won 24 - 26 million dollars and I go through the steps I would take immediately following. Things like holidays are supplanted by installing healthy breakfast and lunch at all the schools in my community. But being so good can get boring and so then I imagine If I Ruled the World.

If I Ruled the World consists of simply put, me, ruling the world. I know, sign up below. How exciting. Fantastic. Really, though, don't get all jumping for joy on me. It's all just basic common sense.

First, I would make it mandatory that every single person must do yoga every single day. I don't want to hear about how you don't have time and really, you're not flexible, because yes, you do have time and it doesn't matter crap if you're flexible. So rather like the army in Israel you will do yoga in My World.

In order to qualify for medical coverage every single person will visit a naturopath as their primary care physician. For that matter, all health records would be kept centrally and each person would be served by a team of professionals: counsellor, naturopath, general pracitioner, massage therapist, and hair stylist. Listen people, having good hair really will make you a better person.

When I Rule the World there will be no television in the mornings. I find the sound really irritating and I think it should only be turned on after noon. Maybe even two; I'm still deciding.

Stupid holidays like Valentines Day and Halloween will be done away with and replaced with Daycare Worker Appreciation Day and Everyone Go To Work Naked Day.

It will be illegal to not use all vacation time and vacation time will be allotted at the rate of four weeks per year.

Children will have gym class every.single.day.

Parents will be required to have a Meaningful Date every Saturday night and grandparents (or the appropriate stand-ins) will provide free care because everyone knows happy parents are better for the world.

Dale Carnegie training will become part of school curriculum and anyone who is already through the school system will have to provide proof of attending and completing the course in order to qualify for running water.

Daycare centres, old folks homes, and schools will be amalgamated. Those old people know lots and we don't take near enough care to learn it.

Everyone will be given junk food credits and once you've used up your allotment, tough luck.

I've got more. I'm just getting started. But I'm being beckoned by my PVR and a date with the unlucky ladies of the Bachelor. Don't you feel comfort that you're potentially being looked after by someone so...cosmopolitan?

4 comments:

Lisa and Laura said...

Count me in for everything except going to work naked day. Yeah, that scares me...

lotusgirl said...

In other words, you'd be quite the despot. :)

Lady Glamis said...

Sounds like you've got great plans! I chuckled the whole way through. :)

Anonymous said...

i'm with u on the naked go to work day/even tho i work at home/actually my 3 year old already has that one covered/uncovered