Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Coming back

I have to get writing again. I've hummed and hawed, decried the death of the blog, worried over the two books that sit, gathering dust and bugs in their saved files, carting around the massive box that holds physical copies of draft upon draft in case, for some reason, I suddenly need them. I resent my computer (old and buggy), my iPad (impossible to tap out a story, for me). I hate the space I have for writing. I have no idea what the famous historical novel A Room of One's Own is about, but to me the line means a room only I can go in, with twelve foot ceilings painted lavender and bookcases lining the walls, stuffed with my dearest possessions. I want a view, of green or water and of course, preferably, both. I want quiet but still to be connected. A good comfortable chair. A computer that doesn't shut down randomly and also doesn't have a track pad that constantly jumps the curser around suddenly, causing me to type over or in-between already written words. Preciously written words.

I want endless motivation, unstoppable ideas. I want the life back where I had to stop myself from thinking about writing. From the perfect sentences coming, unbidden but welcome, in the night, instead of sleep. From drifting off into excellent plot developments at the grocery store, in the car, at yoga. When I couldn't wait to go home and write it all down. I need that space again. I need the creative to come back, so that every cell of my body knows that my first and best instinct is always to write, always to return to words. To know that this is what I do, and this is also what I do well. What a lovely thing to know.

I want to be the woman who has passion for her own things instead of trying to build a passion of feeding and clothing folks well. Those things will happen, naturally. Perhaps not naturally, but definitely. Most certainly people will be fed and clothed and most certainly it will be done more than adequately. Those being cared for would also most certainly prefer the caregiver to chase their dreams, not make the best of a situation. Making the best of a situation is what happens when you have to, when something really shitty happens, and that isn't how I want to define my life.

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