Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Time

Part of the realization has to be that time is not going to come in large pieces, like a pie, to be divided up easily and evenly and competently. Instead, time will come in short bursts, a minute here, a second there, and rather than waiting for those minutes and seconds to add up now I understand something I knew before, but forgot. I have to grab them, tightly, and use them, properly. This is how it has to work.

There is no magic fountain of time. There is no just getting up at 4am because that isn't how I work. There isn't a lotto win coming, obvious, given I don't play, but still a rather frequent pop up fantasy where money really does buy a lot of things, including time.

Time comes at different spots throughout the day. In the summer it tends to be 4:00pm, when the kids are snacked up and exhausted from the pool and I can plunk them down to chillax, as the 3 year old calls it. In the fall it will likely be the mornings, when they are all in school.

Remembering that in the past the time was there was helpful. It's funny how the brain works, how it became utterly impossible to write. Impossible to sneak five or fifteen, impossible to get enough done to be able to with good conscience say no, this is mine. But the memories are waking up and cautiously I am asserting, taking, gingerly stepping forward. And this is good. I am walking.

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