Monday, March 21, 2016

on kindess

People say the weirdest things. I feel like I can say that, definitively, as much of what falls out of my mouth is kind of weird. But also because people have said very strange things to me.

I remember when I first started running, which I did because I'd packed on a good twenty pounds. A combination of hurting my knee, quite badly, and living on my own with access to things like delivery!! drive through!! pink wine!! made me rather fat. Clearly not because of the shape I was in, I was offered a job at a gym. I know. I must've been the motivator. So I'm working at the gym and I weigh myself*, in front of a super fit guy who worked with me, and I'm like, that can't be right. Using my memory, I can now look back and see the look of confusion on his face. He was kind though, as I continued to assert that the scale was broken he gently but also very firmly disagreed. It's crazy, though, I honest-to-god thought that the scale was not working. I for realsies had no idea, no CLUE, that I was overweight. Sigh. So it's true, I've proved my own rule. People do say the darnedest things.

I was training for a marathon, this was after I realized that no, the scale wasn't broken, also it wasn't a sexist scheme to make me feel fat that had all the clothing manufacturers making the sizing too small; so I'm training and running and one day a man came into the restaurant where I worked and he said, I saw you running across the Albert Street bridge today and I smiled, it's nice to have the hard things you do acknowledged, and he said, I could walk faster than you were running.

The darnedest things, hey?

And the other day I was discussing my project, the book that I'm writing (I'm trying to not feel pretentious as I write that and I wonder why, why I worry that someone will think I think I'm better than I actually am, and obviously I need to do some thinking about that but not today), and so I was discussing a plot point that I feel as though I need to nail down, and so we were kind of talking about this point and how the rules work and so on and the person said, incredulously, and you think there is anyone who will actually want to read this book?

Stopped me a little in my tracks, it did. It's so funny, I don't talk much about the plot of my book or the characters or the process or the vocab or pretty much anything because at this point I'm actually not interested in having anything come near me that might deflate this idea. And I'd gotten a tiny bit carried away, and mistakenly thought that the person I was talking to was supportive and interested. Whoops, duh.

Not the end of the world, not even a moment's pause because right now I am confident and the project is working and to be honest, I don't really give a flying fuck if this person reads it or doesn't read it. But it made me think, it did, about what exactly is the purpose of the little flick that things like this provide, never so bad that it's a friendship killer or the kind of thing you can point out without looking super insecure. But things that are for sure unnecessary and sometimes plain old mean.

I guess it's back to the fundamental lesson I try every single day to impart to the three girls in this house. Be kind, be kind, be kind. And this isn't something that I'm off the hook on, for certain I dip my toe in the black pool occasionally, I am aware. Hoping that with awareness brings change, and only more kindness.

*who weights themselves in front of anyone, let alone a super fit near stranger??? Looking back I believe I was rather clueless.

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