Sunday, July 24, 2016

Dual Warning: Language alert and incitement of animal deaths

Those mother effing squirrels are at it again in my backyard. I feel like my mum, who always wanted to shoot the deer that ate the buds off her new trees.

Earlier this summer, in the throes of spring and energy and the blissful happiness that people from warm places simply cannot understand, the happiness that rushes through and warms every last in of your body after a long and very cold (and very snowy) winter, when the sun comes out and the air smells fresh, yes, earlier this year I picked up some backyard lights ON REBATE from Costco.

So ON REBATE means that something that was already a good price was now a great price. I've wanted these little lights forever, and now here they were, right in front of me, dirt cheap.

Except that just would be too simple.

They needed to be hung high, up in the trees. Husband said he would do it but let's face it, perhaps he would, in about twenty years. I called up my handyman (a very handy person to have around) and he expressed interest in the project, likely anticipating (as I did not) a lucrative project.

We took the lights out of the box. They were even cuter and more perfect in my hands, heavy duty and solid feeling. This is important in my neck of the woods, where we ain't called land of the living skies for nothing. Our skies bring murderous winds and raging lightening.

Handyman admired them too and said kay, well, I'll start putting these up. Instructions much? I replied, as I skimmed the instructions that said things like, purchase airplane wire for hanging and secure hooks for attachment and check your electricity for load (or something like that, I made that up, but it was a) something complicated and b) something that required my electrician to come. I've written about him before, my electrician, but I feel kind of bad about it so I won't link to it.

I called the electrician and he and his minions came over and three thousand or so dollars later I have four certified safe grounded plug ins that work in my back yard.

Handyman came back and did a lot of measuring and buying things and figuring. I provided coffee and GoodHost iced tea and a listening ear. He's going through some shit in his personal life.

[May I digress?? I love One Republic. Does that make me old?]

Handyman hung up the lights perfectly, in a diagonal that met in the middle above the pool. Yah, I know, it looks all obvious and shit when you read it in a sentence like that but you know, it wasn't obvious to EITHER of us that hanging up some serious lights OVER a pool was maybe a bad idea.

However, Handyman went home and discussed lights with electrical engineer son and immediately texted me that he was not "comfortable" with our decision. I argued, pleaded, resorted to calling my own electrician who gave me a freebee and consulted, returning an adamant nogo.

Lights were then taken down for an extremely sulking homeowner (that would be me) and rehung. I got over myslef and had to admit that they look pretty darn good. Handyman happily billed me five hundred dollars for the trouble.

So now this morning the kids are playing in the backyard and they bring me THIS.

The squirrels have been pissing me off already in the last few years. They burrow into our fireplace in the fall, squeaking and being loud and terrible till I blast them with ABBA and they leave. They chewed on the beautiful boards on our house with their sharp angry teeth. Why? Because they have teeth, and I have a house. Seriously. For a couple days in June I was like, I think I hear chewing? Nah. But yes, I did hear chewing and they chewed away on a very nice board because their teeth are so sharp.

They piss me off because they hide shit in my planters and then later they dig up my planters to find their SHIT. And the items they leave around my yard is perhaps the worst of this all - they leave peanuts.

How could this make me so mad, you wonder? Why would the sight of peanuts laying all over my yard bug me, do you say? Let me enlighten.

We have a super safe backyard. Super safe because we have a pool (it has a secure cover, don't worry), so we have tall fences and locking gates and no one can get in and, more importantly, little people cannot get out. So if my little has a friend over they can play happily in the backyard and I don't have to worry that they have left the premises.

Except that now they can't play in the backyard because seriously stupid people have been feeding the fucking squirrels NUTS and my kids have many friends who have anaphylatic allergies to nuts and now there are nuts laying around in my backyard. But thank god the squirrels are fed.

So I was already pissed and now I find the little fuckers chewing up my lights. I'm going to Peavy Mart to buy an air gun (I discussed this with a police officer and he said that it wasn't exactly legal but it wasn't exactly illegal either, just not to go out of my yard with it) and I am going to shoot them and I purchased some Critter Ridder (I would've bought more had it been labelled Critter DEAD) and I will coat my yard in it and seriously, if I caught one I might hang it up by its tail from the back of the fence, as a deterrent to the other nasty little pests. I won't do that, not because I don't want to, but because I'm too weak. Same as if I had to kill my own food I might become a vegetarian again. I don't even think I could collect eggs.

So many potential mine fields this blog is evoking. Best to stop.

1 comment:

Helene Raymond said...

Oh dear! I sympathise with your tales of woe over your squirrels. They're so cute to look at but cause so much destruction, as you've shown with them gnawing at your lights! My mum has both squirrels, moles, and rabbits in her garden and is always trying to get rid of them by catching them and driving them a mile up the road!

Helene Raymond @ Trade Squad